I'm juz enough 4...

I'm not enough pretty...
to make sum1...bertekuk lutut dihadapan gw...

I'm not that pretty...
to make sum1...pengen ngabisin sisa hidupnya dengan gw...

I'm not pretty at all...
to make sum1...rela mati untuk gw...

I'm juz enough 4...
having fun with...
spend awhile time with...

but i'm not gud enough 4 precious things...

nge-bingung-in

Nge-bingung-in...
Sore tadi baru aja minum teh tarik sambil ngobrol2 ma boss gw...He said he really need me now...& bilang dun think 2 much apalagi untuk balik ke indo...
Padahal gw bener2 pengen balik ke indo, gw nge-rencana-in april taon depan...
Jadi bingung lagi gw...Huh!!!

Cyber world

Part of my life...live in the cyber world...
May be coz i was bored with my real life...away from family & frens...
but I have a lot of frens from cyber world...
some of them even be my frens in real life...

I have 2 face with bullshit also in the cyber world...
In the very 1st time...I believe sumthing that i won't find a love in here...
n yes...many guys saying "I luv U" 2 me...
but 0ne thing 4 sure...
I never say I luv them 2...
I never give them hope...coz i know if i give them hope, even a lil bit thing...they will have expectation more than i can give 4 them...
it will hurt them...if i did...

I can't say "I luv U"...if i don't...
I'm not hypocrite...
n i never have "luv" relationship in cyber world if i have relationship in my real life...

n i never fall in luv with guys in cyber world except with mr.Nice guy...
when i have relation with him, i dun have any1 in my real life...
He knew that & i'm not big liar...
but i'm sorry if we couldn't make it rite...may be we're not mean 2 be...

PS: They're the guys who i was fall in luv with...huahahaha....

I cry

I cry silently...
I cry inside of me...
I cry hopelessly...

i'll be back 4 sure...

I already made decision...
Why my boss make it hard 4 me???
He asked me 2 stay...almost begging 2 me with what he said...
Many words he said...but
Yesterday i called my mom...
& she said,"Juz go home...its time 4 u 2 reunion with ur family again...ur home is here...wherever u go 2 fly...u have home 2 come back...& ur family is ur home"

U're right mom...
If i'm there...
may be i will celebrating 100th years my granddy birthday...
maybe i will watching my nephew, yarie growing up...watching his first step walking...
n i will watching my sis, dien pregnant...& tease her coz she have big body & have drum in her stomach hehe...( I missed that things while ridha pregnant :( ... )
may be i'll be there 2 watch my youngest sis graduate...
may be i will make my dream 2 open the resto with cinta...release...who know!!!
n the best thing...i can eat any foods...my favorite food...anytime...& dun care about my tummy huahaha...

So...
I'll coming back 2 my country 4 sure...4 many gud reasons...
I'm juz dunno yet about the time...but surely...will be soon...very soon...

PS: That pic, from left : Yarie, Ridha, Papap, Me, Dien & Mom :))

December 15th, 2007

My younger sis, Dini Inayati Barkah got married...
Im happy 4 her...
but Im really sorry coz i couldn't come 2 her wedding coz my damn situation...
I juz could praying 4 her & give her my blessing...

Selamat menempuh hidup baru, dien...
Semoga keluargamu menjadi keluarga yang sakinah...
amien...

PS: that my pic with dien, in the long road 2 pangandaran...( ceritanya gw kebelet mo makan bakso jadi bakso dimanapun di embat hehe...)

I still don't get it

Some of gals saying "love" to u...
n u let it...u made them fall in love with u...
U saying love 2 them too??!!!

U never say such thing 2 me...
n u didn't let me 2...
Many times u tried 2 explained 2 me...
but i still don't get it...

my best fren said:
"Do u think u can control ur feeling???I know u dear...I just don't want u 2 get hurt coz u're so fragile...just don't wasting ur time 4 someone who definitely gonna hurt u..."

but u're here with me now...
n i really like 2 be with u...
I didn't think 2 much about what i feel & what u feel...
Coz we just have short time 2 have each other...
Even it will hurt me...
at least i have some gud memories with u...while u beside me...

90% - 10%

I decided 2 leave malaysia...it's already 90% for YES 10% for NO...
Soon time on end of this december...
Late time on end of April...
Many things happen...
Started with have nobody here, away from family & frens...felt like hell...homesick...but thanks to 'kak aida' coz she always took me 2 her house or her hometown 4 weekend or holiday...even sumtime it was gud but sumtime it wasn't gud also & i would never forget about 'car accident' on August 31st, 2005...
Then i met mr.Big liar...bad things happen...was hurting me so badly...
I met 'a malay gal'...who i thought she's fren of mine & i dun think twice 2 help u but where is she now...??!!!
Then i met 'phillipines gal'...nice one...i'm sorry when u need me, i couldn't help u...not bcoz i couldn't make it but somebody scars my trust...
Having colleagues...with different attitude, different style...but i was so damn hurt when some1 who i thought was my closest one...stuck me from my back...but still i forgave her...may be i'm type of person who have a lot of forgiveness for any1...even they've betrayed 2 me...
Then...
I met u, james...who have lift my spirit up...having u is the best thing happen 2 me in here...unfortunally i have a short time 2 spend with u...
Gud thing or bad thing...i have to leave it back...

PS: I'll miss all my frens & miss my life when i was here...

12 Azar

December 3rd, 2007
Happy Birthday, my dear James...!!!
Wish the best things happen 2 U...
I'm really happy 2 having u for now...
& Gud luck 4 ur job...
wish u luck in everystep u make...

PS: Sorry 2 made u worried with 45 misscalled??!!! ;)

Where is he???

I thought i can be easy with him...
But i'm not...
May be coz i knew...
He wont 2 be a part of my life so i dun have 2 tell him anything...

God,
I need some1 who will be my partner of the rest of my life...
Some1 who can share everything with me...
I really need it...
specially rite now, when i have 2 make big decision for my life...

Where is he, God???

Gw terharu

Suddenly...ada masalah besar in my company...we r in d'big trouble...coz perusahaan mo ditutup akhir desember ini. Emang sih...boss gw dah blng ma gw kalo dia bakal keep me with him but...gw betul2 bingung...mood gw dah ilang, loyalitas jg ga tauk kemana...coz bln kemaren aja gaji gw hanya dikasih 1000 doang...setengahnya dari gaji gw juga nggak...dan lg sekarang ada gosip kalo gaji bulan ini ga tauk kapan keluarnya...mampus gw...dan satu lg masalah...krn gosip ga dpt gaji bln dpn, temen serumah gw nanyain soal uang untuk kontrak rumah (krn selama ini boss gw yg bayar, tp krn keadaan ini, dia nanyain gw...??) padahal skrg ini uang gw tinggal beberapa ratus doang, di bank pun hanya tinggal sratus lima puluh coz gw baru balik indo so gw bawa balik semua duit gw...mampus kan?????
I was chatting with my sis this morning...
Gw cerita ttg keadaan gw dan dia blng :"ya udah balik aja kesini atuh...lagian mungkin bentar lg juga dipecat..." huahaha.....dasar adik gw gila...
tp trs gw blng :"gimana mo balik duit buat ongkos juga kaga ada...???"
dia nanya :"Berapa ongkosnya? 1 juta cukup ga??"
Gw baru sadar...dia care ma gw...dia mo ngasih duit untuk ongkos gw balik padahal gw tauk...uang segitu dia simpen2 untuk hal2 emergency...asli bgt...i wanna cry...nyesek ngedengernya...gw terharu...kalo selama ini mungkin mereka hidup terpisah dengan gw tp tetep...mereka sayang gw dgn tulus...with sincere...gw bahkan ga kenal perkataan itu disini...!!!

God, what i have to do now??? I really need u 2 show me the way....!!!

Jealousy???

Its about jealousy...
is it wrong if we have that feeling?
Jealouse not just for someone U love but for someone U like too, rite??
Even when Cinta, my bestfren have a new frens in the new office...
I got jealous too...I was afraid, Im not the bestfren for her anymore...even thats a silly thought...but yeah...thats true.
Sometime...I want someone get jealous about me also...
Crazy, rite???
but yeah...may be coz I juz want 2 feel...be needed...
But this morning i juz found out that someone who be with me for now, doesn't have that feeling...
dun talk about luv...coz there's no luv between us...
At least...feeling that im belong to him for now...but i dun see it at him...
Mean...Im not important thing for him...

What I have to do...thats juz a risk coz i took this way...juz take it!

Dun treat me so well...

Akhirnya gw merasa bener2 nyaman disamping seseorang...
Dia begitu sempurna...
Dun talk 'bout fisik coz...
fisik dia betul2 sempurna di mata gw...
Bentuk muka yg bener2 cowok, walopun ditutupin dg jenggotnya yg super panjang...sampe temen gw blng dia kaya teroris...huahahaha...tp akhirnya dia rela dipotong pendekan atas permintaan gw, padahal waktu nyokap dia nyuruh...ga dihiraukan...
Mata yg cantik dan dalam...bulu mata yg lentik tp ga panjang...cukup untuk ukuran cowok...
Bulu alis yg hitam dan tebal...
Hidung yg tinggi walo ujungnya dikit agak panjang...tapi tetep sempurna untuk gw...
Bibir yg sesuai bgt untuk bentuk wajahnya...& juga enak bgt huahaha...
Tinggi badan yg tinggi walo gak setinggi my previous bf tp potongan badan dia betul2 cantik dan sempurna dimata gw...apalagi kalo lg pake boxer pant...dan yg terpenting...gw jatuh cinta ma tato di lengan atas dia yg menjulur mpe ke punggung...betul2 tato yg sempurna...

Sebelumnya...gw selalu ngeharepin cowok gw treat me like what i want...
Dan for God shake...
Dia membuat mimpi2 gw jadi nyata...cara2 dia memperlakukan gw begitu sempurna...
Dia membuat gw tersanjung...membuat kekurangan gw mjadi kelebihan dimata dia...
Dan ga ada seorangpun yg memperlakukan gw sebaik dia...
Tapi Tuhan tauk...gw tauk...dan dia tauk...
Dia ga akan berada disisi gw selamanya...

If he treat me so well...I dunno what will happen with me if he's not here anymore... So plz...Dun treat me so well...!!!

it's empty

I dunno what happen with me...
I just feel empty...
I have someone to talk to & to share with...but
still...
it's empty...

It is what it is...

Mr.Nice guy know now...that Rain is me...
i told him just want he know that he hurt me for what he did...
Last week he called me to asked me to stay & said...he is just for me...
after he disappear for long time...

I was melting again...but...U did the same mistake...
I really dunno u now...or I never know u even...

Juventus vs Inter Milan

after all...finally I watched Juventus match with other big club like inter milan...
Been 3 years never watch Juventus or football like lastnite...except world cup ofcourse...
When i saw the players of Juventus...
Gosh...mostly i dunno them...but Thanks God...Buffon & Ale' still there...

The matched goes so hard for Juventus coz...Inter Milan have many many gud players...
Like Luis Figo, I always like the way he played...
Inter Milan have very gud defender like Walter samuel, He was the best defender in the very first time he came to Lega Calcio & I guess still now...with his partner in Roma b4, Chivu...made InterMilan very strong...But I hate Zlatan Ibrahimovic, He was juventus player...I never like him even when he played for juventus...for me He is just "the yudas".
I know, Zambrotta & Cannavaro left Juventus also but they played for other compatition not Lega Calcio...!!
In the first round, Inter made score with Julio Cruz...Legratoglie....where r u??? Huh!!! He couldn't stop him & Buffon couldn't save it...I saw...Buffon as keeper also as center back coz center back of juve is useless...Buffon saved many time...Oh yes...He's still best Keeper ever...& He's always my saviour!!! ;)
Second round, Raneiri changed Ale' with Camonaresi (I like the way he tied his hair ;))...& Changed Nedved with Iaquinto...& they made score...iaquinto passing ball to camonaresi who made score for juventus...Huraaay....
Even the last scored is 1-1 but at least Juventus still have spirit of winner like Juventus before...fight till the end...

PS: Beware for Buffon...dun go to other club like zlatan...or U will be "the biggest yudas for me"...!!!

I know now...

Everything so clear....
God show me...how exactly is Mr.Nice guy!!!

I know now...
He don't want me anymore...
So...
Why i have to stick with him any longer??!!
Juz...hope will erase him in my heart so soon..!!!

everything so unwell

Everything was alright...
till U asked about sex...
it's normal but i dun expect it from u...

I juz want...some1 will love me coz who I am...
Not bcoz he expected to have sex with me...

Now...everything so unwell...
I leave u for a while...
no sms i send to u juz want to know what u will do...
U did nothing...
So i'm sorry if now...
I have doubt for U...!!!

Whats goin' on between us

What's going on between us?

It just like i covet to be with him...
but when i realize...
He's not around anymore...
He promise will come back here...
but he have to build his future first...

I said 'I miss u...'
He said 'do u have any doubt in that? Surely I miss u, swear I miss u...'

I said "I'm thinking of u..."
He said " U r always on my mind..."

I said "I think I love u"
U said "we will talk about it"

I said "I'm give up..."
He said "Do not forget me..."

When I'm silent....
He called me & said..."r u angry to me? Pls don't angry to me..."

Tell me...
whats going on between us?
Do we have something?
But how can we make it through...
if u r thousands miles from here...

its for U... Mr.Nice guy

I Wanna Be Yours I wanna be your vacuum cleaner Breathing in your dust, I wanna be your Ford Cortina I will never rust, If you like your coffee hot Let me be your coffee pot, You call the shots, I wanna be yours. I wanna be your raincoat For those frequent rainy days, I wanna be your dreamboat When you want to sail away, Let me be your teddy bear Take me with you anywhere, I don't care I wanna be yours. I wanna be your electric meter I will not run out, I wanna be the electric heater You'll get cold without, I wanna be your setting lotion Hold your hair in deep devotion, Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean that's how deep is my devotion

Have to hook?? or off the hook??

I sent a message to him a week ago...not by sms...coz i was really afraid about what he would say for reply...!!!
I said that i dun want to burdening him about what i feel...
I'm afraid about rejected, I can't stand it anymore if I get reject again...
So I will close something what i jus open it...

Day by day...I've been waiting for his reply...
Just now...I open it...
He said..."dont say sorry coz im happy to having U"
& he juz butter me up with his words...

Slightly...tears fallin' on my cheek...
I dunno...have to hook or off the hook???
coz....
I still have frighten...!!!

Tell me...am i really in luv??

When I thought...(finally) I'm fallin' in luv again...
Someone in my very past...came to my life...
unexpected...but it's real
& I'm so exciting for that...
We never met for 15 years...till now...
wow...!!!...speechless...2 show how i feel...
But I'm confuse now....
What i feel inside....???
I miss my 'luv' but why I was so excited about my 'past'...
am I really in luv???

I'm lost

He called me...so early morning while I slept...(may be coz different time between he & me)...
Still surprised me coz i thought he's not interesting to me at all...
But now...dunno why...
I'm so lost...!!!
Confuse about what i feel...
Confuse about what he feel...
Curious about what i want...
Curious about what he want...

PS: Hope he will coming back here soon...!!! I'm really missing him like i never missed someone before.

I'm in luv & crushed

I thought i'd never fall in luv again...
till...
I can't stop to thinking about him...even...he's my 1st thought when i woke up.
I couldn't eat well b4 i got news from him...couldn't sleep as well...
obviously that i'm in luv with him...
I was so surprise about this feeling...coz
I thought i'd never fall in luv (again)
but...
I juz know that...
He's not in luv with me in return...
so...
I'm in luv & crushed in the same time...!!!